And my studies have began and holidays are over.

Now it’s time to face myself and all my lifestyle choices in the eye and really connect again with myself, my higher self and my purpose for this year, my purpose for life and what I need to accomplish my dreams and goals.

I started this year sober, with a heart opening ceremony of Cacao. I chose to be around sober, mindful, beautiful people who are sharing their gifts and selves with others as they continue to work towards their enlightenment and help to enlighten others by following disciplines of yoga and making food and lifestyle choices to stay with high prana/life force. After this, I spent 2 weeks- Volunteering, meeting amazing people who all are environmentally conscious and live off the grid or have attraction to camping, being with nature, being kind and generous with people and animals. I also met many inspirational Oaxacan Mexicans who are choosing to live a low impact lifestyle, that are self  sustainable or working towards it and or just great people, with huge hearts who wish to donate there time to volunteering and helping others and sharing in culture.

When I came back to Puerto Escondido, I came back excited about all I just learned and reunited with my family and spent several days just beginning to focus on finding myself a place I will feel comfortable in, meeting people in the community to make connections and networking with as well getting myself organized to begin offering therapies from my space as well as begin studying full time again.

I chose to do a heart opening ceremony again to begin this new month of February and the new moon cycle and the new era- of Aquarius. During the week of this ceremony, I tried to connect to myself more- have more time in contemplation for what my immediate goals of self work is, and how to manifest and what to manifest as far as attracting other things that will make me happy.

It came up a lot in the past weeks to begin working on my intimacy with others as well as working on my spiritual development. 

As all of this was happening, I was also beginning to help out my parents begin a healthy page for themselves this February…and even meeting others who are also needing love, support and holistic healing… however, I was beginning to feel although I just need to ground myself first. I began to feel anxious when thinking about studying again, felt very sleep when beginning to ready my text book, felt it was hard to sit down and begin watching my classes. I felt intense at different moments of the days and irritable and I started making choices that go against the flow that I wish to be going in. 

So what needs to happen now, is not to be rigid with myself but to be disciplined. I am going to rebel a bit against what I need to do- to stay focused and in balanced, because I enjoy partying, staying up late and dancing, meeting new people, I enjoy sharing in food and drink and accepting all that is shared with me, I love knowing new places, travel, randomness, adventure, I want to try surfing, and paddle surfing, and climbing and african dance and acroyoga and hang out with friends and give therapies and receive therapies and go to the movie on the beach on Wednesday, and go to the bar that has movies and white Russians… and watch the sunset on the beach every night and practice yoga every morning at 5 or 6 and give yoga classes at 6:30-7 to my parents and help them cook proper vegetarian meals, as well as prepare proper meals, fresh and soul comforting food for myself… and I want to study every day at least 6-8 hours, I want to write poems and learn to drum and make videos and share them… AND I CAN DO IT ALL. But I need to prioritize with what is most important and what is reasonable… and unfortunately, I know that staying up late and partying, is not a priority. Here, in this community, I can still be social and have friends who also do things in the day or earlier in the afternoon and I will begin to know these people more. I also, I do not need alcohol or anything else to help me feel open and to create relationships with people- although it sure seems to make things easier sometimes… last week, I met a new friend who we were able to share in several beautiful, open and intimate conversations and moments while being sober and mindful… it’s a lot more work, but it’s worth it. And I actually remember the moments- opposed to also sharing intimate conversation and experiences with other new friends while drunk on mezcal or wine this weekend.

 When I go out and party and want to party… I am usually just wanting to numb my mind a bit, numb my intense self judging thoughts which limit me, or I just want to go with the flow and wherever that flow goes… whether it ends up good or bad, I will be along the people also just floating…  having a hangover, processing all the alcohol and it’s depressive nature- is not the flow I want to wake up in. I want to wake up revitalized, with the sattvic energy of the morning- and feel good and light from the night before, not heavy, still full from eating food late at night and tired from poor quality of sleep.

I have no one to hold myself responsible. I need to love myself enough to not put myself through pointless pain… and I am doing it, and I recognize, even though I have the best intentions, it’s just part of my natural tendencies— when I go out of balance in my Vata vayu, that I am drawn towards making these further, Vata and Pitta aggravating choices that do not make me feel good in my mind, body or spirit.

Also- another thing that keeps coming to me is this- I can not be a holistic healer and practicing a proper lifestyle of Ayurveda, if I am choosing to go against my knowledge and heart. Also if I am not in a mindful and pure state, I am missing opportunity to help others who may seek my help. I had a talk with a healer Tatachio, who is from California. He is being called to be a healer by many now and he lives a sober life for different reasons, but he told me, it’s to be ready to help heal… and that is such a beautiful thing. Now, his path is different than mine- he has had an extraordinary life and is a 67 year old indigenous man who served in the Vietnam war and a Qigong master.  I am a 32 year old woman, from the prairies who is just now studying yoga, Reiki and Ayurveda for the past 4 years… but well, in the past 4 years I have learned and experienced a lot. My manifested dream and hard work over the past years are paying off as I become more in touch with myself, mySELF and and my emotions and health. 

I really believe that everyone has their own paths to become to a certain level of contentment and health that they feel comfortable with in this life. Someone people have came into this world with a lot of past karmas and misery and problems to solve… some people have less, it all depends on what happened in the previous lives. The problem with drinking and not being sober for me- is not the drinking or herbs, stimulants or depressants- I feel although, with the proper reasoning behind doing anything it can be affective… for me, I am associating Alcohol and Weed for me as something that I have often just taken without purpose, just because it was happening around me. I am just trying to begin to really be more mindful and disciplined in what I am choosing to bring into my body on a weekly basis.  Alcohal, is a depressant and of tamasic nature and when I smoke- I also feel very heavy and my eyes get heavy quick and I need to fight them to stay alert and awake. I am choosing most other activities in my day to be sattvic- light, organic food, mantra music, spending time in nature and in the ocean, practicing yoga, reiki and giving therapies… I don’t like to eat stale food, canned food or even frozen food- because the energy is tamasic as well, I don’t watch television or normally movies because these are tamasic energies as well. However, once in awhile- my energy may be to etheric because of other things I’m choosing to do, or the amount of them, or the people I’m around, ect- and a little bit of tamasic substance can feel very right for a few hours. But I need to recognize when it’s appropriate and not… and what the purpose is that I am taking in anything.

I am not saying that I want to be perfect, anal or rigid with my lifestyle- nor I can’t indulge in the pleasures I have of certain substances and or plant medicines once in awhile, or eat or drink something out of pure enjoyment- but it’s a slippery slope between once in awhile to more than once awhile, especially when my Vata is out of balanced. And if my Vata is out of balanced I won’t be able to be a great student. It’s the truth I believe and know.