The truth right now is that, it’s been hard to stay balanced for myself.
May was a very busy month for me and it has rolled over into April and vata is vitiated.

The last week of March (March 22-31) I taught my first days of school and tried evaluating my kids, 25 in the one grade and 15 in the other grade. Vacations for two weeks started for that job and I had a friend stay with me and we were visiting around here and we did some travel around the different beaches and places around this area. I rented a car (first time ever) and drove to Huatulco (first time ever) to pick him up and then we went to San Agustin beach, the next day we went to Mazunte beach and met my girlfriends there and then the next day I had to go to immigration and post office so we had a in town day, going down to Zicatela and then the next day we went to laguna de Chacagua and the national park there for one night stopping at the laguna (where there is bio luminescence) and Rocca Blanca on our way there. Beautiful places.

The following night right after a massage my fever started and I got sick- it was the first time that I was sick for awhile. I think last time, was last June when I got a cold for a few days after working many shut downs and then traveling, partying in Puerto and being in Mexico City for 2 weeks and the difference between hot and cold there… I remember going to Puerto Rico to see if I was in love- with a gross cold.
10 months later, I have someone come here and I am evaluating again if I am in love… and I get sick. I guess it makes sense the stress of a potential serious relationship, mixed with travel, extra drinks “to relax the mood”, poor sleep quality (as you are now sharing the bed with someone else), and lack of routine/yoga/kriyas (as for some reason whenever I have someone else to think about, I put aside whats most important to me. I would rather go to bed just that little bit earlier or do yoga in the morning before breakfast- but felt selfish to take hour alone to do so… and it makes a difference to me.)

So right now I am studying about the digestion system- amongst this are some things involved such as diarrhea and lightly colored stools- so I was able to really think about and see this kind of fecal matter- it was the first time I had these things in this type of manifestation in a REAL long time! I think last time I remember having diarrhea for more than a day was back in 2014 when I began my new job at Berlitz… but even this, I think was mostly due to emotions and stress.

Light pale green stools- is VERY weird btw, happy this just lasted for two days… and wondering if mung bean soup is the cause… or if I just never got enough bile added in the mix to make color….Will need to have only mung beans again to find out.
OH so many experiments I need to do!

Anyways: Being out of balance isn’t fun. Nope.
I am Pitta Vata so when I am in balance I am super woman! Yep- when I am in my full power and practicing my Satvic lifestyle choices- I am invisible.
Really.
I manifest things at the speed of… well, I have never done any experiments- but well at the speed of light 😉 No, but really, really soon. I can attract things and reject things instantly… maybe I can even not in my power, but I am just not as aware or trying.
Vata people can present many different ways, depending on how sattvic, ranjasic or tamasic the person is. Naturally be a Vata that is more ranjasic will be a little more cold with emotions. They have tendencies towards fear, worry, nervousness and anxiety. They feel connected to people and things- and often then are affected by those around them. They may be overly excited- about everything- trying to fill the gap of boredom or stillness. They often have insecurities as well as being indecisive and ungrounded.

A sattvic Vata person is very creative and has genuine enthusiasm for the world and for others and people can be healed just being around them. They are often inspired and make great healers, artists and bring about creativity in any work.

A tamasic Vata tends to go towards self destructive behaviours and self harm, addictions, and have a higher opportunity to commit suicide. They may also be secretive, paranoid and mentally disturbed with racing thoughts.

A ranjasic Pitta will be known as hot headed, and have such emotions such as being angry, resentful, jealous and envious. They are critical of themselves and others. Especially when they are under stress and unaware of their connected to God. They can become righteous and ego driven and could cause harm to achieve their goals. They are dominating and sometimes aggressive.

A Sattvic Pitta  expresses clarity of the mind. Intelligence- and a way to see through non-truths. The mind is clear and the light of God is reflected through it. This can make Sattvic Pittas great Spiritual teachers as they have a direct perception of devine reality. They can be brave and courageous- as they are not limited by the fear of death. Life and death are simply but illusions. Pittas are often bright lights, who attract others and very intelligent and good with speaking, hence they also make great motivational speakers.

A tamasic Pitta is is harmful to others. There can be strong hatred and rightousness as well as violence and very vindictive. They may appear fine on the outside but when pushed you see they are high strung and waiting to blow up.

So- WHAT is happening with me???
Right now I far as I can see I am mostly sattvic, ranjasic with some tendencies of tamas (addiction/self destructive) in Vata.
I still don’t know which guna is my primary in my mind as it usually switches around but I think that since I started meditating and practicing Reiki, gratitude and faith for things- I no longer have many worries- but I am still critical in my mind of myself- which I sometimes think is being worried.
I would say I get anxious a lot- but low amounts of it- where I normally get over it right away but overcoming my fear, proving to myself I can do something or just getting out of my head space that is self limiting.
I definitely have a lot of Vata in my mind as well-

But I also feel although I have some Kapha in my mind as ranjasic Kapha is materialistic, sentimental, stubborn, controlling, desirous and conditionally loving.

A Sattvic Kapha is unconditionally loving, faithful, nurturing, compassionate and patient and a

Tamasic Kapha is lethargic, manipulative, thievish, dull, depressed and apathetic.

So studying myself:
My shadows/tamasic nature:
Dull, addictive/slightly self destructive
My ranjasic nature:
desirous, sentimental, critical, angry, worry,anxious, ungrounded, insecure
My sattvic nature:
Unconditionally loving, faithful, compassionate, clearly perceptive, spiritual teacher, healer, artistic, enthusiastic and inspired.

Throughout the day, week, month I may dip in and out all of these titles, roles and emotions… I am energy that is constantly moving and not aware enough to be completely in control of what I am manifesting-  however, just like this sentence- I am beginning to be aware that- those type of thoughts and self limiting and hold me back from coming into my true power and truth. I have faith in the universe that is will provide for me- not I need to take time to create my universe and create what role I want to play in it.

The week before (March 15- 21) my friend came I was teaching at my new job and finishing home renovation projects- that always seem to take a million times longer than planned. But I finally have shelves in my kitchen and door between my kitchen and massage room- so I am a real adult and all the other things we did are cool too- even though some of them never worked out like glue/painting my counters…. but well, I hope to fix this somehow. I also partied with my parents on St. Patricks day and I went to the Zicatela surf competition here in La Punta on the Saturday morning and both Friday and Saturday night I closed down the raegae festival in Zicatela. I met a few new friends this weekend, a great dancer- who practiced as a kid dancing with his door and gate and a interesting character from Zipolite. I even taught a yoga class to my one new friend one morning on the beach, before running off to go grab my wood for renos and off to school. I also was working on my home-work and quiz and submitted that to school for digestive one.

The week before this (March 8-14) I was juggling home renos, with immigration visits and finding out that I am still in the running to get my Visa renewed but I need to get a legal job and I should have updated them about the end of my previous job within 90 days of that happening… I found this out when I went to inform them of my change of address… even though I hadn’t been living in my previous one for a bit, I never really had a new address to update them with- but finally I made the commitment to here and had a place with a light bill even! So that week started off with me trying to buy land- so I went out and saw land, then I met with a lawyer to see how I could buy land, and then I went to immigration as well to ask them if I could buy land with my Visa (which I can’t, because I am on a working Visa- it would be bad if someone brought me into this country and then I stopped working for them and bought land… even though my previous employer let me go while they were downsizing their company) so that dream got halt, found out I needed a job- so that same week I had an interview and had my first day of class too. During this week I was also trying to finish watching my class videos.

So life was becoming routine March 1-7, starting to thinking seriously about buying property and looking into buying it, studying, received a crystal healing from Jess, still social in my neighborhood.

SO yeah during March- the truth is, I never forgot about my school… I was studying. I

At the end of February I had run into time problems with my home-work as it took me a lot longer to do than I had imagined. This year of school is a lot more challenging than the previous year and I was told that this year, is like year 1 on steroids from my teacher- but really, it’s a lot different. The home-work isn’t just questions, it’s questions, essay questions and Pathologies- with full on treatment plans you need to make up for the fictional characters.  Last section the homework was 25 pages and the quiz last time was 12 pages. This may not seem like much- but there is a lot attention to detail, thought and knowledge put into finishing these things…

So for Digestive System 1- there was 7, two hour classes to watch and 50 pages in my book, not including the number of new sanskrit words to make flash cards to begin memorizing.
So- 14 hours of video, 2 hours of reading, took me at least 4-6 hours for my home-work and 2-3 hours for my quiz… We are also really recommended to study AT LEAST  2 hours for every class we have… so in theory, I had around 40 hours dedicated to my studies to have a pretty good understanding of digestion 1. This digestion one was suppose to take only 3 weeks…. first week to read book and then watch videos, second week for quiz and review and third week for home-work and review.  This should have taken 3 weeks- however, my teacher was gone away so we waited for her to get back- which gave me 4 weeks… right? I had all of March to do that… and I failed. Yep. I definitely put in at least 25 hours- but it’s like, everything is taking me longer to do right now. First off, because I took a year off from school while I was making money to pay for school- and during this year I forgot some things… and actually, while I was finishing the last year- I was going through a lot of emotional and life stuff as well like a serious break up and then a lot of moving and new work and trying to establish myself again… and I don’t think I was in the best place then either to be the best student.

My teacher had shared her concern about some serious error I made on my Quiz this time- I had mis read the one disease to do the pathology and treatment plan from what it should have been was Irritable Bowel Syndrome and I did it for Inflammatory Bowel disease.  They were next to each other on the page… and it just shows my superficial understanding and thinking about what I am actually doing… there are huge differences between those two- one is an anti-inflammatory disease and the other is inflammatory… so huge difference.
She reminded me that in a year I am going to be working with patients and these kind of errors would be detrimental. She also asked about if I had to much on my plate as I had given her limited time slots to meet with when I was trying to plan around my potential therapies and work and such.
But I really feel like March was just a crazy month with things that arose that I needed to take care of for my future… and my family is here and my friend came and I needed to see how that week would go in order to continue planning things for the future as well (okay maybe he was more than a friend- that I was kind of dating since August…) and well… I think now continuing into April, it’s going to be busy still- still catching up with school work- trying to get the names down, needing to make flash cards for the new terms, going to still be new at my teaching job… but I now have a place set up and I think I learned some real important lessons last week about honoring myself and my truth and just being able to say no… and sorry I am busy. I don’t need to feel bad, give explanations or take on other peoples disappointment… of course I do, because I am an empath…
this is something I am working on.  But it’s not messing up on home-work which is the problem… the thing is, I need to be learning how to control my stress and my mind so that in the future as well- just because I am stressed- won’t interrupt my ability to be a  functional, present and helpful practitioner. Because it’s needed- this job is not a type of job you show up to with a hang over, or you just pop some pills or have an energy drink to get buy, or hide from your boss… to help others involves a lot of energy and mindfulness.

If I am feeling guilty or like I need to be a certain way around certain people… and it doesn’t serve me, I just need to spend more time alone and maybe with more like minded people when I meet them too. Also I realize, that I love being single right now- and although sunset is a romantic time to watch with people- I love doing my yoga and meditation at sunset… it makes me happy. If nothing else in the day really speaks to me- it’s in those moments in front of the ocean, connecting with my breathe and spirit… that I am more than just motion and distraction and doing- I am present and I am me.

I am just having problems memorizing certain things, anchoring down knowledge- I just feel flighty and anxious a lot… and mid March when I started my new job, immigration, home renos, expecting my friend coming, studying- it was all way to much. I mean I handled it, I never complained- but my stools never lied- they were dry… which is constipations and my mind was dry and constipated…  and it proves it.
And I am tired of being this way, starting this next week I am going to manage my stress properly and try and do less. Less is more for me and I need to really begin studying more serious. My parents are only here for another 2 weeks and I have other friends here too for only a few more weeks- but I realize now if I don’t honor with my intuition is telling me about that I need to stay inside more and study and do this happily- I won’t be happy… even with all the amazing outward experiences that I have been living.
And I need to choose things and foods that are nourishing and balancing to me right now too and that won’t be involving to many pitta aggravating things – as they are also drying. Might be time for a Sattvic diet, as- I can tell my rajas are leading my life right now and my ojas are low.
I want to be balanced- I want to have high ojas- but also balances prana and tejas- actually if my tejas were a little higher right now, might help with my studying- but also might make me more angry/intense… so I am going to choose balance and just creating more earth and water in my mind and body and work on my samana vayu for absorption in all my digestion! Perhaps the ama on my tongue isn’t just from my food- but a reflection of what I am not able to understand right now.

Anyways- I know writing this, does not help me on my home-work assignment, but I wanted to try and figure out a few things…share a few things for my future self… about this time of my life. Where this past month I feel like I failed as a good student even though I wanted to be a good one and hold the stress of it on me always.
I wanted to share how although last month, I learned so many life things, had great experiences, met new people, saw new things, enjoyed family and friends and school and new work and all…  it was actually to much for me, in my current state and my prana was to high and my either and air were aggravated and I was unable to study… to choose the correct things for myself…. I was to worried about connecting with others and outward experiences and saying yes and trying to be polite and take care of things- that I never took care of me… TO my AYURVEDIC understanding.
Yes to the naked eye, I would have looked fine- healthy, eating good… but it wasn’t good enough for the level of knowledge and consciousness that I am dealing with now…
No more dreaming. Now is the now.

BTW- Each module is about the same… in February I started with a review from last year and also studied Pancha Karma for my first time and now
I am just finishing Digestive 1 and starting Digestive 2 now, but I still have
Chapter 9- Eyes, Ears, Nose, Mouth and Throat
Chapter 8-  Ayurvedic Skin Care and Dermatology
Chapter 10- Chronic Disease of the Endocrine and Immune Systems
Chapter 6- The Nervous System
Chapter 5- Women’s Health
Chapter 4- The Cardiovascular and Circulatory System
Chapter 3- The Urinary and Male Reproductive Systems
Chapter 2- The Respiratory Systems

That’s over 100 hours of class time, three text books and 8 more quizzes, home-work, midterm – final and research paper to help me anchor down all my knowledge and new sanskrit words and language to be able to prepare myself for my internship where I will be flying to the US for intensive training on certain things as well, before flying to India for intensive training on other things…  Yeah… Ayurveda chose me and I bit… and now I need to do this… but a Vata imbalance Becky can’t do this. She needs to be walking Ayurvedic truth, not forgetting spirit and living following the 3 pillars of life-managing her sexual energy, digestion and sleep properly.