I am really tuning into the reality of the manifested matter… the more I act, react and or just be- the more I am seeing patterns within myself and my thoughts.
I have always been hard on myself and had low self esteem in compared to many others around me.

I remember the one morning that we were about to start our summer vacations in the RV with my Grandpa, mom, sister and brother. (My dad was taking the summer to live finish his Masters). Well- we were in the driveway still and my sister and brother came up to me and starting singing ” You have low- self esteem, You have low self-esteem…”  Apparently, my Mom had taken them aside and told them to be kinder to me during the trip because I had low self-esteem… haha  I guess kids going into grade 2 and grade 6 aren’t that sensitive yet… I was going into grade 4. I actually remember a lot from that trip- we took Grandpas RV all the way from Saskatchewan to Alberta and British Colombia. We visited many parks and camped in many places along the way – even found an old Gold Mining friend of Grandpa and a few old spots to sift for Gold. My Grandpa drove slow and we had a lot of icecream… and cherries and buffets! We hugged trees, swam in the Ocean, collected sand dollars…. I remember spending the entire afternoon grabbing sand dollars with our toes and bringing them up to the surface and putting them on shore- and then later that day- the tide going out and seeing all the dollars just waiting to be harvested!

Well anyways- the reason I sat down here right now, was because I wanted to talk about my heart Chakra for a moment-
I do believe that I am opening it again… my negative thoughts and fears keep trying to close it… but I am working on it. I need to release my fears to also clear my root chakra…

But the past nights I have been doing meditations for opening up the heart chakra and even attracting my soul mate… I don’t know if I believe in soul mates… but I do believe there are people here that we really are magic together and they really do teach you things about themselves, yourself and the world. The positive experience even if sometimes feel less than at the moment- that is just perspective.

Well in the past couple days- old lovers and relationships have been contacting me… and I think I know one of the reasons I had blocked myself… I was attracting many men last year. Yeah, I had finished a 2.5 year very serious relationship and when it ended I was completely closed to men and love for 5 months… then when I got back to Mexico I began working on myself, manifesting what I wanted again with my girlfriend, started taking care of myself again and my spirit and well- things manifested quickly… and ALTHOUGH I attracted almost exactly what I had on my home-made list…  I wasn’t doing the best that I could… I mean at the moment it was… and I think the reason that I am not married now, is that always there was something that made me just know the person wasn’t the one forever-  one thing or another that I just… it just made me loose interest.
And I’m happy for that, because I really enjoy being by myself- to be honest. I am independent completely, I don’t feel I need a man for anything at this point… especially when I have my strong women around and my mom around haha. But even when I am all alone- I don’t really miss being in a relationship…  so I am wondering if I am suppose to even be in one. Will being in one, make me feel complete? Will I regret if I don’t have my own family? Well- I still don’t know that enough to manifest it yet- but I am going to begin trying to understand the secret to my own heart. In the meantime… I need to really be careful for what I wish for/manifest… because I am so sensitive.  When I attract someone- who is so great- and wants to be with me, and then I don’t want to be with them- I feel bad about it. Yeah- and so I think I close up my heart because of that too. I tell myself I am not ready for love, that’s why… but I don’t think that’s the truth. I think everything happens for a reason and obviously these guys played their own role in our meeting- so for whatever purpose – they manifested me too- even if it wasn’t suppose to be for a very long time. We are all on our own journeys… and helping each other learn, feel, grow.  What I just need to continue to do- and perhaps do better is be more honest with myself and with the other person. Friendships for me are beautiful and rewarding- and I can easily have a friendship- platonic, no sex, no flirting with a man… I have many platonic relationships with guys and have always… but perhaps it’s harder when you are an adult- but if I am seeking friendships right now, I need to just be honest with that at the beginning… and if I am looking for lovers or love… I need to be honest about that- especially with myself, or I will keep attracting amazing guys- but ones I am just not physically attracted to.
I think I have been blessed in this life- that I was introduced to many beautiful souls already… I had a few amazing, deep, passionate and rewarding relationships that allowed me to really feel connection,trust and love with others souls- where we completely trusted each other and were comfortable and confident with each other…  I had locked these moments away- until I started doing the chakra meditations this week.

I forgot how good it felt to just be in the arms of someone you love.
I remember loving the stuffed dog my one partner gave me when I went away for college that he sprayed with his cologne, and that we talked every day even for awhile, wrote e-mails, took photos, wrote poems and loved making supper together and just watching a movie and cuddling and how it felt to be excited to go and see him at the end of the day.
I remember on our 3 or 6 month anniversary- dressing up and we went out for supper to a “fancy” place and how romantic it was… how I had butterflies still. How it felt to want to share myself with him after 6 months being together. He always was making beautiful hand made- romantic presents…. heart jewelry, clothes, poems, c.ds.

I forgot how good it felt to be connected to another partner and the day he put flower petals all over the floor and down the stairs to my room and he had set us up a sacred space- and the amazing tantric energy that flew that afternoon and how we saw colours together- and how he held me as I wept after full release. How it felt to have someone care so much and make such an effort to take care of me and to be with me- he would drive 45 minutes in the winter after 12 hours of work- just to come sleep next to me. His little hand made presents, creative and romantic- home-made rose, pillow case with contact case attached, kisses with notes…

I forgot how good it felt when I manifested another partner and he was exactly who I had wanted and I walked around my town telling the bankers and the grocery store clerks and my friends and family and anybody else who would listen- that I found my love. That when I was getting waxed and putting on false eyelashes- for my trip to Paris for New Years and then a secret Birthday present in another country- how it was so romantic that he told me I could choose anywhere in the world to go. His precaution for me, sharing food together- experiencing things in India together… playing house in Mexico City. Just being in his arms- when he chose me. His family and his love and his dog… there was a lot of beautiful things about the relationship- especially at the beginning…

and I forgot about it.

Manifesting another man who took the time to teach me songs, loved hiking and meditation and practiced yoga and had a nice family and good music taste and beautiful lover and warm and independent and romantic…     Manifesting another who is one of the nicest, down to earth men I have met- who reminds me of my best friend and tried to do so many things that I loved- for me…Another who just respects and loves me and my independence for how I am and how he held me when I melted into a world orgasm the summer before… saying the most perfect things and allowing me to be 100% myself.

There are so many other details- with these men and others… that were beautiful. Love is beautiful… being in love and expressing yourself… being inspired to be romantic is beautiful… and all of it has been worth it…  But with ALL this love, ALL this beauty… ALL this OPEN HEARTedness-  ALL this LIGHT…. also came darkness.

Yeah- there was a lot of pain that happened throughout the years.

Drunken fights, break ups- needing to move on to travel, the moment your skin crawls, the moment he came home with scratches on his back,  the moment my Reiki master told me to be careful and to choose my independence first, the moment I became more annoyed than amused, the moment my stomach flipped at the smell…  hours and days and months of agony…   LOL. This is also all true. All though, in comparison to many of my friends- I have had pretty good breakups- quick… less dramatic… just because I refuse to have fights over the phone or keep talking about the same thing, again and again… or refuse to ruin all the beauty by anger and misunderstanding in the end in verbal attacks… perhaps, in my OWN head- I still was angry, sad and going through cycles… I may have appeared good- but in my own heart and body I was pushing down feelings and emotions…  and I pushed down so many over the years- that these things became the new version of me. I became HEAVY and serious with these emotions and past events clinging on me… I because sensitive, scared and weary of men and new relationships and opportunities… which is fine. That is why I had some shitty nights I think- some weird experiences- I use to attract all kinds of men with all kinds of energies, desires and abilities… I learned A LOT in my years. But I also had always had resistance to relationships, to being open- when sober. In the past 14 years I met many men during my travels, in my experiences… and through my self studies now and being sensitive to energy … to be honest, I rather keep my distance from many people and men when it comes to the expression of sexual desire… because I am not on that plain or page.I always had tendencies to worry in my mind and to be to serious… this is who I am… (but now realizing if this is my tendencies and expressions of the elements and all the elements are one- then I may be able to more lighter, I can choose which energies I want to focus on).

I know how it feels to be in love, to be open and honest with someone and to want to do things for them- that is just for them- without wanting anything back in return… whether that is a gift or sexual energy, time and space… and this is what I am holding space for again.

Holding space- for someone who has self respect and love and understanding of self and Self. Who does Spiritual practices and appreciates the beauty of the planet and loves being in Nature. Someone who is capable to be next to someone without wanting to change them or feeling they need to be complete with the other person- but just enjoying the other persons company and appreciating what the other person brings to their life… someone to share food, desire, love, expression, communication, activities, trips, responsibilities and perhaps family with. Someone who understands my intensity but loves to bring out my softer and lighter side- as I am a reflection of them and the world around me and I do not wish to project my shadows upon them or anyone else…
I am holding space for someone to choose me and for me to be not just honored- but excited about this opportunity to know this other person in a way- only time can reveal.
Someone who is growing independently and also wanting to grow alongside another person, who believes in the beauty and magic of the world and wants to be an open and active participant.

I realize that I have the power to choose someone- but I still don’t feel in my power. I still don’t feel ready to put myself out there. To love openly and freely. I still don’t feel trust the way I use to- but this is my work right now- as well as begin really connecting with attracting the proper souls into my lives for my true – soul evolving- non limited- desires… not just paper desires from previous faulted belief systems of who I am and what I want out of this life.

Lets see what happens- but well, in more time- more will be studies and revealed and cleaned and loved.