Mother’s Day is coming- and I prepare some Mother Day theme poems for my classes, I realize that the poems out there are beautiful…but I wouldn’t feel satisfied using one… but expressing your love for your mom- is almost as hard as explaining a high consciousness experience- and perhaps, maybe it’s because it is. My mom is like the one person in the world I don’t ever worry about loving me. Having unconditional love is unexplainable. But it’s like- the reason for living- and having it keeps you wanting to live and also wants you to be able to hold space for people and events to also transmit unconditional love. My mom has seen me at my absolute worst moments- thankfully… and thankfully, because I was lucky enough to always be supported throughout those times. Suffering from low self esteem, being very self critical and having had the opportunity to fall in love, out of love and break up from love/or rather relationships… she was there.
The nights I was a teenager- black out drunk and just trying to have the confidence to talk to my crushes and feel comfortable in my own skin. I really need to study this part of my life again one day- it was a time of pure joy and light and accomplishments- and also with a lot of alcohol abuse on the weekend. Social or not- it was a period of darkness amongst light for me and my beautiful friends. Having a hangover on a Sunday wasn’t anything to be ashamed of- if anything- we were proud to own it- because of the silly and reckless things we did the night before.

My mom has stayed up late – while needing to go to work in the morning… NUMEROUS times… making me costumes, (I always- always- had an awesome home-made costume for Halloween that was very creative and fun – and I wore it with such pride!) dresses for the school dances, making cookies and snacks, helping with school projects- and then doing her marking and cleaning house.

I ABSOLUTELY would hate (=BE SUPER STRESSED and GROUCHY) having all the responsibilities that my mom had. No really, I am not saying that I am not capable of it… but my mother actually… was like none-stop- working and giving to all of us… around the clock… for years… I mean she still is.  Last night I had her climbing around in the garage looking for my tax information while she has a sprained wrist…  AND SHE didn’t complain (who would listen?).  I complain about balancing my two jobs and studies… to my MOM. When she was my age- I am pretty sure she already had a baby, a 2.5 year old and a  4.5 year old as well as a dog, husband and household- without the help of many.  We didn’t live near family and I don’t remember the Grandmas coming down to take care of us either- maybe on a few special occasions throughout the years.

So right now, some days I feel like there isn’t enough time in the day.
First off, I’m single- I only cook and clean for myself
At the moment, I work less than 8 hours a day on any given day
and I study for about 2-6 hours on any given day
so right now- my biggest day is 12 hours.
NOW- I have worked 12 hours days A LOT in my life. Seriously. Yeah, actually through my 20’s pretty much my main job was to go and work 12 hours days in the Plant… but when I came home, I had no other responsibilities… and now it’s the same… and usually after I finished working, I would go and travel for months at a time without one worry in the world…but my mom was working over 12 hours days always- and always with responsibilities… for like 22.5 years… WOAH!

NO WONDER THEY ARE TIRED PEOPLE!!!! Sometimes my sister, brother and I are so hard on my parents- expecting them to have more energy, be more active… blah-blah— but they are tired! They never had the same luxuries that we did and do have now- only organic food, fancy herbs and plant based diets and smoothies and vacations and travel and yoga and sports and blah-blah-blah that us kids have!
My brother is 30 and single- and he probably eats (cooks himself) healthier and fancier food than my parents ate on a special occasion once in awhile… same with me, I am single and 32- and I am taking care of my body for when I am my parents age. I VERY rarely even buy things with preservatives in them… I don’t take western medicine- because when I am beginning to feel worn down – I take it easier… THIS IS NOT THE REALITY of my parents. They never had the luxury of this.

My moms day probably looked like this:
Morning:
Getting 3 kids ready for school.
7?
Commute to work.
School/Work 9-3:30
5:00-6:00 – Making supper or perhaps commuting back to town
7:00-9:00- Bathing kids, brushing long tangled hair, stopping fights, helping with home-work, giving kids attention, letting dog in and out, having relationship with husband
10-12: Marking/Lesson Planning? Maybe another hour or two?
12-2:00: Alone time/ Dishes/ House Clean
2:00am-7:00am- Sleep?

I really don’t know- because kids don’t pay attention to this stuff but I do know that if I ever was sick or woke up early in the morning mom was up, and also so many times we cleaned the kitchen before bed- as it was our job after a certain age- but so many times we never got around to it… which means we just didn’t do it… so mom stepped in and she cleaned the kitchen so in the morning we didn’t wake up to hell…
This is one thing that has followed me. I now ALWAYS wash my dishes the same night. Sometimes when I have people over they say ” Leave it for tomorrow-  Live in the moment” And I think washing dishes after eating is, living in the moment- it takes less time and energy to do it right after- it’s a natural activity to follow and then the next day- you can live in the moment… the next day you don’t wake up to a mess and clutter and start your day that way. (Tangent- sorry.)

SO- Back to Mom- Mom never had a night for sports, she never went to the gym or had Yoga or meditation or went for massages, manicures, or any other type of beauty or luxurious or even practical and important treatments. She never had book club or weekly wine night or anything like this- yeah once in awhile she did have a social life- but normally it involved being part of a club or committee for us kids or the community.

Did I mention that we also had a garden?

Anyways- my mom was on… she was there for all of us kids, for my dad, my dog, for her students- she took on helping certain students after school for certain special cases- she just- gave, gave gave… and I realize now how beautiful sometimes we were and how horrible sometimes we were. This past year my mom came to spend 3 months in the same town as me and during her time- she took pleasure in coming to my house and building things for me- nesting for me. Making sure I liked my house and felt comfortable and had enough plates to have guests… a garbage can with a lid so my clients wouldn’t have to see poopy paper next to them- even a toilet seat to sit on, so they could have comfort we all poop…. beautiful details.

Anyways- sometimes I get short with my mom, my Fire qualities and tongue come through as I sometimes as with her in my most stressed, anxious, hottest moments… and she doesn’t EVER make me feel unloved or like I am a bad person… it is I, who realizes it after or in the exact moment usually… but sometimes I just can’t help it… this is something I am working on through my diet and lifestyle so I am more in control of my actions, words, emotions and body… but well- It’s just amazing… really.

I can call my mom at whatever time- and she will wake up and talk. She will be sensitive to who I am. I can tell her ANYTHING- yeah, before I hid a few things about perhaps my experience with plant medicine- just not to worry her- but now that we are all adults and she understand more of my world that I live in and the reason I explore the different realities and energies that I do-  I actually have not one things that I hide from my mom. She is my best friend. She is the only one who calls me on a regular basis and thinks about me and likes to just follow my life and makes an effort to come and visit me and participate in my life. She is the first person I call when I am upset by something… and I know I can trust her to keep my secrets and to just hold space for me- not judge me as I still work towards overcoming my darkness, addictions and weaknesses.

I am sitting here- just shaking my head and crying.
How beautiful is the love of a Mother?

And not only for me- but I betch ya (oooo, I betcha ya…), if you were to talk to my Brother or my Sister they would have similar stories and more to share about the unconditional love of my mother to them…   My parents have been making sure to spend time with all of us throughout the year as we all live in different places.

I’m needing to note that I did have an active and loving Father throughout my childhood- and still now thankfully, but my dad also was very busy and active- going to school normally at 6 or 7am and then after school usually coaching sports or involved with extra curricular activities for another couple of hours- coming home- making supper, entertaining us, helping us but going to bed when he needed to- to wake up for when he needed to. He played on a few sports teams…but mostly dedicated his time to his family and work. He is also inspirational and loves unconditionally- but my mom is the one who keeps us all together. Who plans Christmas and Easter and Vacations… who us kids call to plan to come visit or for their trips to visit us… my mom is the family glue…

I was thinking last night how much someone with confidence and education (in whatever form they have the opportunity) and passion they can accomplish.

You know some years ago- my cost of living was high. Due to circumstances with my career/life/city I lived in just cost a bit. Where I lived was expensive because we hired people to do work that we could do ourselves. Which on one aspect- it’s good to employ people and it’s nice to focus on your passions and work in life and in free time spend with family and friends but- I was raised with us- being the help. In my house growing up my mom and dad and us were everything we ever needed- sometimes with the help of a babysitter.
Driver Mom/Dad
Security Guard Dad/Dog
Gardener Mom/Dad
Carpenter- Mom/Dad
Plumber- Sometimes Dad/ Sometimes a real plumber
Electrician- Uncles
Tutor- Mom/Dad
Coach- Sometimes Dad, sometimes other teachers/parents
Bread Maker- Mom/Dad
Cook- Mom/Dad/Us
Housekeeper Mom/Dad/Us

We never went shopping often or on many trips throughout the year- but we went to our lake every summer. A beautiful, fresh water lake- that is the safest place and paradise for children to run around, explore and play.

And there- usually my parents had more projects and work to do throughout the summer.

Anyways- I am going to try and write a poem this week for my mother.
How do I write? Well first I just SPLURGE on a paper. I just write- much like I write this blog… I just begin and stop when I need to or the energy has shifted.
Then I will return and take what I think has potential to be used.

She knows when I am stressed
and when I havn’t done Yoga
She knows when I am not in love
and when I am
She knows when to give me advice,
and when to let me learn
She worries about me secretly
but gives me freedom to explore the world
We inspire eachother
We are very similare
But we are also different
and choosing to share
moments together, life in general-
she allows me to be me
and takes interest in my passions.
She is a rock- unchangeable and tough- but she is also
the water that washes over- that is soft and can fill
the empty spaces in between the earth, bringing life
to all that she falls upon.
She is sensitive and tough and learning
She has learned and tried so many things in her life-
knowing she can do anything she puts her mind to-
especially if their is a tutorial, youtube video or instructions.
She isn’t afraid of people- and people open up to her-
as a reflection of her own light.
Now in her 60’s it her time to find herself-
begin to take care of her health…
to begin showing love to her body and take time to do things for herself…
It’s not easy to teach these things to someone who has been waking up and giving for the past 30 years.
Sometimes I worry about my Mom-
but I know worrying is not the answer- she will always be fine
as she is living her life- the way God has lead her and by listening to the divine
and
I AM SO GRATEFUL that I still have my mom still in my life… I have so much more to learn from her and to share with her.
I am so happy that she came this year- to see my happy and independent again, maybe making only enough enough money to survive-
but this happens to even the richest of rich- if they feel they need to spend a lot of money on things.

I am happy that my mom has faith that I will meet my soulmate one day … It will mean so much to my mom and dad to see me in a healthy and secure relationship as they are the previous generation, more traditional- although they know I am independent and don’t need a man to be happy, successful or to take care of me- they see me as someone who will have a partner- who will be a mother and if we (my apparent future partner and I) are blessed to have children- I really hope that my mom is able to be part of our lives… as my mom’s mom was so important to my life and my Mom- will be able to teach SO MANY things to my kids- as Mom is kind of like Grandma and Grandpa in one. My sister keeps saying how mom is so capable- like she just can do everything, and it’s true. She has helped build houses, she is a carpenter, brick layer, teacher, tutor, mentor, coach, counselor, wife, mom, seamstress, designer, baker, cook, cleaner, painter, project manager, graphic artist, gardener, driver…ETC.  She is a very, very talented and handy woman-   but the things is- you wouldn’t know all of this unless you are with her- because she is also so humble, modest and down to earth. She talks about what the people are talking about- she loves to learn new things about other things and people. She likes to do her projects slowly and with love- for herself and then for the joy of others.
She is outgoing and an also introverted. She is an empath and also-a rock that can be there for so many problems. She was a counselor and alternative school principal/teacher for more than a decade… taking on all kinds of darkness from the kids and their parents and she just kept being light…
yeah- mom my is light.
She doesn’t live her life in the superficial world of always saying the proper things- (Which has been a part of my own self limiting and critical tendencies)
She is honest.
Not mean- not rude- she just is honest when it’s an appropriate time to be and she will keep her opinions to herself when they really won’t benefit anyone or herself.

It’s funny the different type of people… I am honest too BUT… I would rather tell a waiter that the food was okay, than bad… which doesn’t help anyone especially if they never wanted it to be bad and have potential to make it better for the next person. Perhaps using something that just went off…
I worry about how long it takes me to order, how polite I am to the taxi driver and this person and that person- I am constantly thinking about the interactions around me… and how people are reacting to me… and I think that is why sometimes I like to stay at home. Anyways- my energy has shifted. I will come back to my poem.