Dear Future Becky and loved ones. I am now a baby turtle and born in the age of Aquarius. This age is about unity and peace, acceptance and going forward as light and love. The dark age is over. I choose to be those focused on the good and it is my manifested reality…. and it serves me well. Yesturday morning I watched the eclipse over the ocean of La Punta and this evening I shared in a beautiful ceremony under the shower of the moon. We sun gazed to music that was the vibration of the heart. I still need to unpack everything that was experienced, but one thing for sure- going forth I know to listen to my heart and trust in the guidance of all the higher powers and energies that I am connected to. I believe in oneness and I am being confronted with the truth of my own insecurities and mental mind and soul blocking patterns- grateful for all the beautiful people I met tonight and new friends that I hope to get to know better as I join this community. Grateful for people who travel around sharing plant medicine and for Christina Sol, our Mother Turtle- who came to La Punta 9 years ago and now had come again to share the Ayahuasca that she found and she guides others to use and holds space for them, while they travel deep within their own hearts using the gentle, loving yet intelligent Paloma Blanca. I now want to fulfill the dream that my friend had of me the other day, that I was a Warrior Goddess training with them and begin to choose to live life more light heartedly and stop being so critical of myself and others. I choose to begin to love unconditionally and not have rigid expectations that weigh me down yet strive to work hard and diligently to create my place in society as a wise and well practiced educator and practitioner. My heart has began to open to allow more intimacy into my life. Barriers that I have built around my heart are no longer needed and I will begin to take them down as I learn how. I look forward to my on going relationship with the white dear, white dove and my spirit animals and other guiding spirits that have come before me including the bear and trusting my heart that is my seat of consciousness. Life is beautiful. Ajo.
The experience was really gentle and good- I had a lot of the visuals that I have been seeing recently in other things and other things, I took it twice as I wanted to go further and felt I wanted more. I felt although throughout my past 15 years using plant medicine I am no stranger to the effects on my body, nor the type of manifestations that happen. Each experience is a reminder of others, while each is completely different and important. Images and sensations that happen to me, come to me as I am ready to ponder them, to appreciate them and even begin to understand them. I’m still processing but i had a lot of insight to things I’m working on. One thing I know I want to work on is intimacy. It was in my horoscope of the day that I randomly checked before the ceremony and it was the tarot card that I pulled during the ceremony. And it is- without me previously paying a lot of attention to it- a huge thing I am working on or struggling with right now. Also my intensity and judgement of myself and others especially holistic and spiritual leaders… I need to learn more acceptance as well just love for myself and others. We are all on a path and are not perfect in any way- and just because we are being awoken on certain levels does not mean that we are not still human, still american, still young and stupid…and just because we can connect with our higher selves- does not mean that we need to live a life without ego, every moment of every day. What is important is that we really love ourself, and SHOW SELF LOVE… not just acceptance of oneself as a way to not need to be better or change self destructive habits- but really take the time to know oneself and what we are capable of. I want to stop limiting myself and my progress thinking it needs to take years. Now is the now but also tomorrow is tomorrow… and usually, tomorrow does come. It only won’t come under the most extreme. Also, Trusting more in everyone- I think I trust in many people and such but I hide myself and guard myself against certain groups of people, especially those that I feel may judge me. And when I say I trust in people- I trust them with my life sometimes (driving with them, traveling with them, climbing, hiking…etc) and I trust them with my safety (not to intentionally, physically hurt me) and I trust them with my stuff (that they won’t steel my stuff if I leave it with them or that there isn’t always someone at the beach who is there to steel nor in the back alley way at night) But for some reason I am still hesitant to just be myself or to even go up to certain groups of people. I am shy to a lot of people, especially really attractive people to me, even though I don’t have any negative experiences with them except my own manifestation and struggles with confidence my entire life leading me to guard myself around others who I think are cool. And this isn’t always, but it comes in phases… and I am in that phase again. I am not always guarded but in general I walk around guarded and free at the same time yet this can’t be, so … when really checking in, I am open to those who approach me or who I feel although are less cool, or just obvious good people or I don’t care what they will think of me because of whatever reason I have judged them… and my experiences are usually positive then, unless they themselves are guarded against me- probably for similar reasons. I am a friendly person, especially if the person isn’t being racist or negative… yet people may have had experiences with someone who looked like me that I may be mean and judgmental in a more superficial way or just not like people. I know I am rambling, but I am unpacking my previous beliefs that are actually holding me back. I also said that I was a happy, go-lucky person, easy-going and don’t judge people… but that’s not true.
I may have those qualities and may judge people less than some others around me- but I am judging everyone and I am judging myself. I have not had a date in two months or striked up a conversation intentionally with someone who I was “interested in” on my own. I have not flirted or made contact with any man during my last two months of being in beautiful paradise, surrounded by all kinds of like minded and beautiful people from all over the world for unknown reasons still but now obvious to me that these are this is something I will begin to work on. I just thought it was because my “libido” is gone or I needed to work on myself and be present with myself and school for now… WHICH is true, but also- I may be walking around believing that I am to shy and not worthy to date like minded guys. Although my confidence is healthy in compared to many – I realize how much I am insecure in so many ways. My analytical nature and mind holds back my true self and heart from being open and loving with all.
This summer I ate mushrooms with a guy I was dating, a beautiful man who makes me so happy and at one point in the night after I had a world orgasim and cried limp in arms, giving him all the weight of me and all I was carrying he told me that I don’t need to hold the weight by myself… he felt that… and later he told me, he was going to break down the cage built around my heart… how did he know that I had that cage, when I just finally realized I had it now… through the use Paloma Blanca and connecting with my heart and asking her what I needed to work on. Actually- I also wanted to know how I can have a more stress free study year… but no answers, but maybe I just need to trust my heart with that too. Enjoy my life. Study and enjoy and learn how to study efficiently.
I have been to afraid to begin to surf even though I want to, but feel intimidated by the surf culture and the surfers here, even though I know in my heart that I could be friends with them and that I am a good friend and a good person… I realize how serious I am and how this also holds me back… me back from laughing, from being playful and warm and open throughout my life. How I look the other way or straight when passing strangers instead of saying hello- the way I want to, and how I watch people look straight when walking past me. Without the use of alcohol or confidence from having companions, to help me feel more comfortable with everyone I am left walking around here like a loner – isolating myself. People sometimes approach me, but often I choose to sit just far enough away from the group of young people to make myself inaccessible. This was even observed and commented on by someone once and I had a quiet demeanor with them for no reason other than because I was uncomfortable in my own skin… because I found him attractive. I realize that my physical confidence as well is very low and although I know I can be friendly and approachable looking and look healthy, I feel although many people and especially men I may find attractive may judge me as a certain way or not find me attractive. As a single person, I feel although I should be looking for my life partner yet feel like I’m running away from any contact with men my own age or someone who could be a good partner for me and me for them. I often focus on details about myself that really do not matter and this is the image I carry around about myself and perhaps project to the world as well. This week I realized I am an empathetic person and often am feeling many different emotions and energies from many people around me and sometimes I just feel tired after. When people feel uncomfortable I also feel uncomfortable and I sometimes take it upon myself to stand up for the underdog or the person being negatively accused or attacked even though this often makes me feel more uncomfortable as I need to go against others who are even sometime friends and family or strangers. This has caused many fights over the years. I realize when I try and sit quietly often the problems of other people, conversations I had previously with other people and their opinions and judgements are often resting on my mind and waiting for me- and sometimes I am even trying to problem solve other peoples problems with my mom, instead of my own problems and insecurities that I need to work on, yet some how there problems have become mine. I think there joy may become my joy as well- but few people are experiencing true joy, most people I am taking with are suffering from something or another, complaining about something or another. However, I am beginning to meet more light people who are choosing to be the light and focus on trying to enjoy life but with also beginning to have awareness of our selfish and destructive society and beginning to lean towards healthier and more sustainable lifestyle and day to day choices. There is a huge part of the world that is the opposite they don’t think twice about wasting everything and anything, they want newer, bigger, better faster! They don’t care about deforestations or poverty in other countries even if they are benefitting from it. People keep selling people on things by there fear and people spend more money and waste more products trying to get healthy to try and be happy but it’s not working… unless they take the time to get to know themselves. This doesn’t happy over night, this takes weekly if not daily checking in with one self- spending time with oneself … without television, cellular, music, games… distractions. How does there body feel to sit for 5 minutes? 10 minutes? 20 minutes?? What does there mind think about? What thoughts keep popping up? What happens when they try and focus on there breathe? How long can they do it before they are lost again at a see of worries, desires, consumerism, fear based thoughts, sex, food? How does it feel to sit outside in nature? To watch the entire sunrise … to watch the entire sunset? To take 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 20 minutes a the beginning or the end of the day just to be… to breathe, to be grateful. To contemplate there life, their existence, the existence of the human kind, the world, the universe… and all the energies that are in it. How often do we just sit and listen to our heart and try to connect to our heart to hear answers and guidance that will change our lives for the better. It’s not magic. It’s not an illusion it’s real. The energy of connection is real and I really connected to a spirit of a plant last night who gave me the gift to listen to my own heart as well as all the other people who drank her last night. She cleansed our bodies of old energies and is giving us the opportunity now to learn how to go forward living in this world as warriors of light. And on Saturday I am going to take a small amount of her with mushrooms to try and anchor down my lessons I need to learn and share openly in group about the changes I am going to consciously work on. Now that I know how to connect to my heart and listen to it’s voice and be comfortable with that- I need to become comfortable in my own body that serves me so well and that is my vehicle in this life… and will attract someone to be my partner as well as with my beaming soul and thirst for growth and love.
I may have those qualities and may judge people less than some others around me- but I am judging everyone and I am judging myself. I have not had a date in two months or striked up a conversation intentionally with someone who I was “interested in” on my own. I have not flirted or made contact with any man during my last two months of being in beautiful paradise, surrounded by all kinds of like minded and beautiful people from all over the world for unknown reasons still but now obvious to me that these are this is something I will begin to work on. I just thought it was because my “libido” is gone or I needed to work on myself and be present with myself and school for now… WHICH is true, but also- I may be walking around believing that I am to shy and not worthy to date like minded guys. Although my confidence is healthy in compared to many – I realize how much I am insecure in so many ways. My analytical nature and mind holds back my true self and heart from being open and loving with all.
This summer I ate mushrooms with a guy I was dating, a beautiful man who makes me so happy and at one point in the night after I had a world orgasim and cried limp in arms, giving him all the weight of me and all I was carrying he told me that I don’t need to hold the weight by myself… he felt that… and later he told me, he was going to break down the cage built around my heart… how did he know that I had that cage, when I just finally realized I had it now… through the use Paloma Blanca and connecting with my heart and asking her what I needed to work on. Actually- I also wanted to know how I can have a more stress free study year… but no answers, but maybe I just need to trust my heart with that too. Enjoy my life. Study and enjoy and learn how to study efficiently.
I have been to afraid to begin to surf even though I want to, but feel intimidated by the surf culture and the surfers here, even though I know in my heart that I could be friends with them and that I am a good friend and a good person… I realize how serious I am and how this also holds me back… me back from laughing, from being playful and warm and open throughout my life. How I look the other way or straight when passing strangers instead of saying hello- the way I want to, and how I watch people look straight when walking past me. Without the use of alcohol or confidence from having companions, to help me feel more comfortable with everyone I am left walking around here like a loner – isolating myself. People sometimes approach me, but often I choose to sit just far enough away from the group of young people to make myself inaccessible. This was even observed and commented on by someone once and I had a quiet demeanor with them for no reason other than because I was uncomfortable in my own skin… because I found him attractive. I realize that my physical confidence as well is very low and although I know I can be friendly and approachable looking and look healthy, I feel although many people and especially men I may find attractive may judge me as a certain way or not find me attractive. As a single person, I feel although I should be looking for my life partner yet feel like I’m running away from any contact with men my own age or someone who could be a good partner for me and me for them. I often focus on details about myself that really do not matter and this is the image I carry around about myself and perhaps project to the world as well. This week I realized I am an empathetic person and often am feeling many different emotions and energies from many people around me and sometimes I just feel tired after. When people feel uncomfortable I also feel uncomfortable and I sometimes take it upon myself to stand up for the underdog or the person being negatively accused or attacked even though this often makes me feel more uncomfortable as I need to go against others who are even sometime friends and family or strangers. This has caused many fights over the years. I realize when I try and sit quietly often the problems of other people, conversations I had previously with other people and their opinions and judgements are often resting on my mind and waiting for me- and sometimes I am even trying to problem solve other peoples problems with my mom, instead of my own problems and insecurities that I need to work on, yet some how there problems have become mine. I think there joy may become my joy as well- but few people are experiencing true joy, most people I am taking with are suffering from something or another, complaining about something or another. However, I am beginning to meet more light people who are choosing to be the light and focus on trying to enjoy life but with also beginning to have awareness of our selfish and destructive society and beginning to lean towards healthier and more sustainable lifestyle and day to day choices. There is a huge part of the world that is the opposite they don’t think twice about wasting everything and anything, they want newer, bigger, better faster! They don’t care about deforestations or poverty in other countries even if they are benefitting from it. People keep selling people on things by there fear and people spend more money and waste more products trying to get healthy to try and be happy but it’s not working… unless they take the time to get to know themselves. This doesn’t happy over night, this takes weekly if not daily checking in with one self- spending time with oneself … without television, cellular, music, games… distractions. How does there body feel to sit for 5 minutes? 10 minutes? 20 minutes?? What does there mind think about? What thoughts keep popping up? What happens when they try and focus on there breathe? How long can they do it before they are lost again at a see of worries, desires, consumerism, fear based thoughts, sex, food? How does it feel to sit outside in nature? To watch the entire sunrise … to watch the entire sunset? To take 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 20 minutes a the beginning or the end of the day just to be… to breathe, to be grateful. To contemplate there life, their existence, the existence of the human kind, the world, the universe… and all the energies that are in it. How often do we just sit and listen to our heart and try to connect to our heart to hear answers and guidance that will change our lives for the better. It’s not magic. It’s not an illusion it’s real. The energy of connection is real and I really connected to a spirit of a plant last night who gave me the gift to listen to my own heart as well as all the other people who drank her last night. She cleansed our bodies of old energies and is giving us the opportunity now to learn how to go forward living in this world as warriors of light. And on Saturday I am going to take a small amount of her with mushrooms to try and anchor down my lessons I need to learn and share openly in group about the changes I am going to consciously work on. Now that I know how to connect to my heart and listen to it’s voice and be comfortable with that- I need to become comfortable in my own body that serves me so well and that is my vehicle in this life… and will attract someone to be my partner as well as with my beaming soul and thirst for growth and love.
(Today at sunset: I connected to my heart. It was beautiful. I searched for it like I was searching last night… needing to leave my mind and find my heart. Feel the sensation of expansion and listen to the answers to my questions. I asked it many questions and it answered me, sometimes even before I was finished asking the question… I felt although she was also excited to finally being able to communicate with me. I smiled and I teared up…I finally know what it’s like to know the voice. I knew intuition, but I didn’t know sometimes when to follow it… and I knew I trusted in the Universe but you never know if you are suppose to find someone or do something as there are so many paths…
But I am feeling more light, and positive today about everything than I have for awhile… can’t wait for tomorrow.
Om. Shanti. Mi Corazon.
Om. Shanti. Mi Corazon.
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